Kristen and I have decided to do The Master Cleanse. Starting today Sunday, July 5th, I am on a liquid diet, and not the fun kind! However, but July 15th, I should be 10 pounds lighter!
Day One
Today I weighed in at 124.6 lbs. The goal is 114.6 lbs. by July 15th.
2:24 PM – The AM was rough, because I was slightly hungover from the night before. And by “slightly,” I mean “very.” I cheated and had a lowfat yogurt (90 cals… not so bad). I think I might have a piece of fruit or a yogurt in the morning to jumpstart my metabolism & make me stick with the program. The lemonade itself is ok, but the cayenne pepper makes it a little spicy & my stomach’s already messed up from being hungover. ick.
Filed under: Uncategorized — glamourcliche @ 5:09 am
OK – PREFACE – This is totally stolen from another blog – in fact, one of my links on the right hand side of this page. (She’s a Jerk But She’s Right -http://shesajerkbutshesright.wordpress.com/). She’s not a jerk, but this totally awesome girl who kicks ass in her spare time. Anywho, this was too good not to spread around the internet like wildfire:
KICKASS NEW GAME:
“1 – Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random” or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 – Go to “Random quotations” or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 – Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 – Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.”
Filed under: Drinking, Life — glamourcliche @ 3:35 am
So, I wrote & entered a drinking quiz online & if it gets rated the best one there or if it gets the most people to complete it, I win an ipod!
It’s called the “Candy is Dandy, but Liquor is Quicker” Quiz – what your drink says about you. It’s silly and fun to take (and pretty accurate, if I do say so myself)
So, I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother, where Barney introduces something known as The Hot / Crazy Scale. Basically, the premise of this is that the hotter a girl is, the more willing guys are to tolerate her craziness.
I propose that there is not only a hot/crazy scale for guys, but a….. drumroll please….
Yes. A Hot / Douchebag Scale. Just like the Hot/Crazy scale, we all know this one’s true. Ladies – how often do you find yourself staying with a guy who acts like a total douche for the sole reason that he could be an Abercrombie model? The hotter a guy is, the more forgiving we are of his douchebaggery. Why? Because having ridiculous eye candy makes other people jealous. FACT. Other people wonder how awesome we must be to be dating him and bitchy girls give us mean looks (you know you love it). The hot guys are used to it for the most part. They know they don’t have to remember our birthday or do their own laundry. They have us wrapped and they know it. Why? Because they’re hot and they know they can get away without doing shit. The hotter a guy is, the less likely he is to try…. anything. Now, guys who aren’t as good looking *have* to either behave nicely or be incredibly good liars. An ugly guy forgets to pick up your dry cleaning and he’s done, while a hot guy can forget your name and still be the object of your affection. Now, the minute a guy starts crossing the red line on our scale, we think about ditching him. What we aim for is the triangle on the left. Anywhere in that area is golden. Now, mostly (barring extreme makeovers /drastic weight loss /total personality dialysis), when we meet them, guys start off with a certain hotness number. Now, unless they’re Sean Connery, Clooney or Joshua Jackson, they’re never going to be that hot ever again. Ladies – the moral of this story is this: If he keeps getting older, and doesn’t get any nicer or starts displaying douchebag tendencies, he’s crossing over into the danger zone and it’s time to upgrade.
To make your decision clearer, I’ve made a helpful list of several douchebag tendencies
Warning Signs:
he forgets your birthday. 3 years in a row. This one is not a winner, ladies.
he calls out the name of another chick, while in bed
he puts a sex tape of the two of you on the internet and then says ‘but babe, I thought you liked Paris Hilton’
he steals your car
he steals your money
he steals your neighbor’s tricycle. the one with the purple streamers.
he tells you he loves you… & Amanda & Sarah & Brittany…. & Mark
when he runs out of money he tells you how hot you’d look on a pole
he picks up other chicks… in front of you & talks about ‘hitting that later’
he talks about how much money he’d have made if he invented roofies
he puts his cell phone up girls’ skirts, takes pictures and sends them to his friends
he does 40 jagerbombs any given night
he has so much gel in his hair he could grease a slip & slide with it
he drives a car with a spoiler so big it looks like a giant handle
he loves himself so much he almost goes home with another dude who looks just like him
he’s disrespectful to his family
he’s disrespectful to everyone around him
he likes to start fights in bars for no reason whatsoever
he likes to break random shit for no reason
he’s unemployed and has no inclination / motivation whatsoever to get a job
he neglects his dog
he’s the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat
he has the IQ of a crackbaby who failed kindergarden
he flunked out of pre-k because he wouldn’t share…. and he learned nothing from it
when you go out with him, people refer to him not by his name, but as “that douche!”
he’s programmed in several phones as DB or “do not answer”
whenever he doesn’t get his way, he cries like a five year old girl who got her hello kitty doll stolen
whenever you see him, you vomit in your mouth a little
So, it’s getting close to St. Patty’s day, you’re planning a kickass Irish shindig and you are officially SOL as far as a St. Patty’s Day Itunes Playlist. Riverdance & that one song you know from Braveheart can only take you so far, and “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling,” won’t get you laid. You need badass, jump up & thrash like a lit leprechaun tunes. Never fear, wee lad or lass. Download these killer tracks and you’ll be all set:
St. Patty’s Playlist
#1 – I’m Shipping Up to Boston / Dropkick Murphy’s (featured in The Departed)
# 2 Kiss Me, I’m Sh*tfaced / Dropkick Murphys
#3 Salty Dog / Flogging Molly
#4 The Fields of Athenry / Dropkick Murphy’s
#5 Seven Deadly Sins (aka Seven Drunken Pirates) / Flogging Molly
#6 Barroom Hero / Dropkick Murphys
#7 Laura / Flogging Molly
#8 Tessie / Dropkick Murphys (*Yankees fans do NOT d/l; if you actually like boston: this is your new favorite song)
#9 Swagger / Flogging Molly
#10 Amazing Grace / Dropkick Murphys (*amazing* grace goes punk rawk)
#11 Rebels of the Sacred Heart / Flogging Molly
#12 The Wild Rover / Dropkick Murphys (classic drinking song)
#13 Devil’s Dance Floor / Flogging Molly
#14 Rocky Road to Dublin / Dropkick Murphys (can you shout 1, 2, 3, 4, 5?)
#15 No More (Paddy’s Lament) / Flogging Molly
#16 The Gang’s All Here / Dropkick Murphys
#17 What’s Left of the Flag / Flogging Molly
#18 The Spicy McHaggis Jig / Dropkick Murphys
#19 Requiem for a Dying Song/ Flogging Molly
#20 (F)lannigan’s Ball / Dropkick Murphys
#21 If I Ever Leave This World Alive / Flogging Molly
#22 The Boys on the Docks / Dropkick Murphys
#23 You Won’t Make a Fool Out of Me / Flogging Molly
#24 Famous for Nothing / Dropkick Murphys
#25 Drunken Lullabies / Flogging Molly
#26 Johhny I Hardly Knew Ya / Dropkick Murphys
#27 Finnegan’s Wake / Dropkick Murphys
#28 The State of Massachussets / Dropkick Murphys
#29 The Dirty Glass / Dropkick Murphys (good end of the night song)
#30 Float / Flogging Molly
That should get you through pregaming. By then everyone will be so drunk you could put on a riverdance album and watch a yule log video on your tv and everyone would still think it’s awesome. They might think it’s so awesome that they paint everything in your house green. If all else fails, play Dropkick’s Live on St. Patty’s Day album.
And since no St. Patty’s Day would be complete without ‘em, here’s some traditional Irish drinking toasts to go with your corned beef and cabbage:
Toasts
Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting & drinking.
If you cheat, may you cheat death.
If you steal, may you steal someone’s heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.
& if you drink, may you drink with me.
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be strong.
And may you be in heaven
Half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.
May the wind always be at your back
and the sun upon your face.
And may the wings of destiny
Carry you aloft to dance with the stars.
(gotta love that movie!)
Speaking of which, here are some acceptable movies to watch:
Movies
*Boondock Saints
*Miller’s Crossing
The Quiet Man
Angela’s Ashes (don’t cry into your Guinness, it ruins the beer!)
The War of the Buttons (great for kids)
Darby O’Gill & the Little People (also great for kids)
Ok, so maybe it’s not the best holiday drink ever, spelled with an A, but it’s pretty damn tasty and my own *original* creation, due to my key signature ingredient (spiced simple syrup)!
My Apple Pie Martini
3-4 count Stoli Vanilla
1 count triple sec
3 count apple pucker
1 count spiced simple syrup (see directions below)
fill with pineapple juice
::shake::
serve up in a chilled martini glass with sugared rim & a cinnamon stick
*Tastes exactly like apple pie. No joke*
Spiced Simple Syrup:
Make simple syrup (boil water, add tons and tons of sugar – ideally you’d want about half and half – stir till the sugar dissolves)
Add a bunch of cloves & cinnamon sticks.
Let it sit for about 6 days, then remove the spices with a strainer.
So I just got an email from my mom, telling me that a relative sent her an email to join facebook. Thanks. I’ve been telling her to stay the hell away from facebook and myspace for 10 years and you’ve just destroyed all the years of warnings (old people will develop carpel tunnel, become obsessed with the internet, contract AIDS and die) with a solitary email.
Now, not to be racist, but whether you’re cool with your family being on facebook or not has a lot to do with where your family is from. For instance, one side of my family is Norwegian. They say a lot of things like ‘yah das good,’ and enjoy cooking delicious meatballs. They don’t call very often and are spread out as far as Norway. In the random case of a family get-together, since they have a limited time with one another, they focus on the good things their kids are up to. They are the kind of people that would be harmless on facebook.
Now, my other side of the family is Sicilian and Irish. There’s nothing a Sicilian family enjoys more this time of year than a) nagging their offspring b) baking delicious holiday treats and c) gossiping about other family members. The plus side of visiting this side of the family during the holidays is that there’s always a plethora of alcohol readily available. Plus they usually have cute babies to hold and play peek-a-boo with. Don’t get me wrong, they’re an awesome bunch and I love them to bits. And when you need 300 people doing the electric slide in perfect unison at your wedding, you know who to call to get the hook up if ya know what I’m sayin’.
But back to my point: Facebook for parents is bad. Facebook for mothers is bad. Facebook for Italian mothers is worse.
So you’re on facebook, it’s 2am on a Saturday night. You’re slightly intoxicated (and by slightly I mean very), you just got home and you decide to check your myspace and FB. You write something clever in the status update box with five exclamation points, 2 misspelled words and no syntax. Slowly, a little white box pops up on the bottom right hand corner of your screen.
Your Mom: Hello You: Hi ma (uh oh) Your Mom: What are you doing up so late? You: Uhhhhhhhh I couldnnny get to sleep? You: What r U doing up so laate? Your Mom: Oh I got up early to watch my crocus start blooming and to take YOUR dog out for a walk. What happened to your spelling? You: … Your Mom: Are you drunk? I bet you just got home didn’t you? You: Ma… no. I’m not drunk. (at this point you’ve whipped out your spellcheck and are typing as quickly as possible in MS word using copy and paste in a desperate effort to appear sober. Yeah. It took you 3 minutes to write that.) Your Mom: I think you are. Why are you staying up so late? Your Mom: Up till 2 am on a saturday night! Unbelievable! You: Actually, 2 isn’t bad. The bars close at 4. (fuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk! Why did I say that?! She’s going to ask me how I know that!!!) Your Mom: And how do you know that? You: … some1 told me? Your Mom: You know your cousin Jessica in Florida would NEVER stay out til 4 am! She walked to med school every day – she had to swim from Sanibel island to the mainland. Once she got attacked by a shark, but she endured. Because she’s a hard worker! She worked at Taco Bell 60 hours a week to pay her college loans and now she’s an orthopedic surgeon in Miami. You: But ma, she’s boring. Your Mom: You should see the Italian marble countertops in her new mansion. To die for. Right on the water. And don’t get me started on the bathrooms in that house – jacuzzi tubs, stained glass windows… You’re spoiled. You: Um… what? I think you’re right. It is getting late. Your Mom: I put you through school for 16 years and what do you do? You stay up til 4 am on a Saturday night and get drunk. Your cousin Jeff isn’t drunk right now. His facebook message says he’s fighting in Iraq. Why can’t you do anything worthwhile with your free time? You: I’m getting really tired now. Your Mom: Your facebook page says that you were “partying dt” yesterday at 9:23pm too! What does “dt” mean? And why where you out partying two nights in a row? Out Friday AND Saturday – you’re going to become an alcoholic if you keep this up! When are you going to do something with your life? Your Mom: And two of your cousins just had babies. When are you going to settle down? Plenty of men are interested in you but you just dismiss them. You need to lower your standards and stop being so picky. You: My standards include: must have: brain, place to live, method of transport (other than bike), toothbrush and pulse. I refuse 2 lower those standards. It’s been nice chatting… Your Mom: Don’t you close that IM box now! I am not done talking to you. I fell for that “lost my internet connection thing” 3 times now but I was talking to Aunt Bonnie and she says that’s what your cousin Brian does when he doesn’t want to talk to her anymore. You: … (by now you’ve given up and are playing solitare on another screen) Your Mom: And when are you going to get a real job? (translation = when are you going to get in some glamorous or highly paid line of work that will make my friends jealous that you’re not their kid?) So, back to men. Have you met anyone? You: …. (check back on the myspace page, read the above and consider gouging out your eye with a fork) Your Mom: You know, online dating is very popular nowadays. You: … (searching your apartment for a fork) Your Mom: Well, fluffy’s barking so I better take her for a walk. When are you coming to visit your poor old mother? You: Um, in 2 weeks? Your Mom: Good. I need you to clear out the garage and your room. We already have 3 guest bedrooms but we’re turning yours into one as well. You won’t need it seeing as you’re out gallavanting til 5 in the morning anyway. You: Great. Your Mom: I love you! Now go to bed! It’s late! Call me when you’re in bed so I know you got there okay. You: ok.
The end or Why Older Family Members Should Not Have a Facebook.
So, a while ago I stumbled across this and decided to start a top awesome things list of my own. However, seeing as I have the attention span of a 5 year old ADHD child on crack, I’ve decided to lower my count to 100 awesome things.
Let the awesomeness begin!
Awesome Thing #100 – Shark Week on the Discovery channel.
I’m moderately obsessed. They’re so graceful and deadly at the same time. Swift, sleek ballerina’s o’ death. Fun to watch. I want to swim with them one day (in the sturdiest cage man can build). That and I just think it would be fun to stare thoughtfully into the water, look at the deck, look at the captain and say “we’re gonna need a bigger boat,” on the ride to the dive site (repeatedly). AND, I just found out that Discovery channel has videos from Shark Week online! I don’t know if I’d pair those videos to Vivaldi, but…. sharks!!! Plus, how cool are Great Whites?! They’re prehistoric! So, in summation: sharks = cool. Thank you Discovery channel! AWESOME!
Awesome Thing # 99: Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Comedian Jeff Dunham & his Halloween decoration cracks me up. He’s dead! He’s a terrorist! He insults the audience! He makes fun of terrorists! What’s not to like? Jeff Dunham has brought ventriloquism back from the grave. You, sir, rock. And roll (one of his other characters, “Walter” is pretty funny too.) AWESOME!
Number 98: Sam Trammell (aka Sam Merlotte) from True Blood
Ridiculously. good. looking. If I could find a man that’s half of what his character Sam Merlotte is, I’d be just peachy. He’s sweet, polite, charming, kind of shy, kind of badass and also doubles as man’s best friend (he plays a shapeshifter who turns into collies lol). Ok. Maybe I could do without the fur. But, nonetheless, Sam Trammell/Merlotte = AWESOME!
Number 97: Siberian Huskies
They look like wolves! They can pull sleds! They helped early Innuit people survive! They rock in the snow & they’re as stubborn as I am! I want one! As soon as I finish traveling and have seen a good portion of the world, I am going to settle down somewhere fantastic with a big yard and I am going to get a Siberian Husky and name him something badass, like… Fluffy. Nah. More like Austin, Houdini, Bentley, Dakota, Jake, Atreyu, Lex…. hmm… naming dogs is fun. And more importantly, Siberian Huskies are AWESOME!
Number 96: Getting the Best & Last Parking Space
You have a rough day – you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, get gum stuck in your hair, your significant other breaks up with you, your boss yells at you, your dog got run over by some redneck in a pickup truck. To make things worse, you’re late to your meeting or were supposed to be at your destination hours ago and you’re already even more pissed off because you know there’s no way in hell you’re getting a parking spot this late in the game. You circle through the parking lot, praying, hoping, wishing that someone will leave their spot in the lot.
At this point, there’s only one thing that can cheer you up – no matter how awful your day was. When you pull up to wherever you’ve got to go and you find one lone parking spot in a lot that’s jam-packed full of cars, you just singlehandedly won the Super Bowl. When that spot happens to be the roomiest, most convenient parking spot in the whole parking lot, the heavens themselves open up and sing the sweet hallelujah chorus. It’s like karma & good old J.C. himself have flown down and given you a big high five (instead of the bitchslap you normally get). And the one word to decribe that sublime, hell-yeah feeling of getting the last spot (and having it be the best): AWESOME!
Please keep all hands, feet and baggage inside at all times. You may experience some slight turbulence, due to the ever-changing climate. In the event of a crash, masks will fall from the ceiling and any two-faced bitches you may know will be SOL. Remain seated & enjoy the ride.
