I WILL Take Your Keys

My cousin was killed by a drunk driver. I watched my cousin Sarah bawl her eyes out at her own Sweet Sixteen party because her older brother couldn’t be there, because some douchebag had too many Long Islands and got behind the wheel instead of calling a cab.

I WILL cut you off.   I WILL give you a water – because chances are that you’re dehydrated, and I WILL take your keys. If you’ve had too much, the ignition key is going behind the bar. You can get anything from your car, you will be able to get in your house, but you will not be driving. You can scream, you can yell, throw stuff at me, threaten to call the cops or try to hit me, but you’re not getting your keys. ESPECIALLY if I know you and care about you.

Also, if you call the cops – GREAT! Yes, technically, taking your keys is theft. They belong to you, as does your car. But here’s how the conversation’s going to go:

Officer: “Did you take his keys?”
Bartender: “Yes, they were planning on driving intoxicated, which they clearly are. I was trying to prevent them from killing themselves/others/getting a DUI.”
Intoxicated Individual: “Gimmmme my keys, bitch!”
Bartender: “By law, I have to. Have fun with that dui.”
Intoxicated Indivial: ::goes anywhere near car, even just to unlock it to get something inside, even if they’re not planning on driving::
[INSERT SIRENS HERE. Fast forward to Drunky McDrunk in the drunk tank at the PD, with a nice shiny DUI & a court date]

So, please, DO call the cops. That way I can rest easy, knowing you can’t hurt yourself or anyone else while you’re in the drunk tank.

Also, be aware that there are consequences of either driving drunk or someone taking your keys:

Driving Drunk:
1) You kill yourself
2) You kill someone else
3) You have the lifelong guilt of someone else’s death hanging over your head
4) You seriously injure yourself – i.e. become a paraplegic
5) You total your car
6) You get a DUI
7) You lose your license
8  ) You lose your job because you lost your license & can no longer drive to and from work
9) ALL OF THE ABOVE, or a combination

Consequences of letting someone take your keys
1) You wake up.   That’s it.   You WAKE UP.   You might have a headache, but you’re not 6 feet under & neither is anyone else that you might have hurt.
2) You spend $20 bucks on a cab (instead of $3,000 in lawyer fees to get out of a DUI)
3) You wake someone up by calling & asking them to give you a ride (instead of them getting a call from the police station or hospital, announcing that you’re dead or in critical condition; pretty sure your friends would prefer to come get you than attend your funeral)
4) You admit that you had too much to drink (instead of insisting that you’re right and totally sober & fine to drive).   Admitting you’re wrong is probably the most difficult thing to do.   It’s hard.    But it’s going to be a million times harder to look a mother or father in the eye and explain why their child is dead (because you hit them when you drove drunk.)

I’ll say it again:   You can yell at me.   You can scream bloody murder, try to hit me, call the cops on me and or vow never to speak to me ever again.   I will take all of it & THEN some.   Because of me being “a stubborn asshole,”  you’re going to wake up tomorrow.   And, on the flip side, you MAY be irresponsible when it comes to your own life – that’s your choice – but once you get behind the wheel intoxicated, you’re a danger to others.    It is NOT ok if you decide to play Russian roulette with the other cars and people on the road.    That’s not your choice.   By getting behind the wheel when you’re intoxicated, you’re basically saying that driving home is more important than possibly killing another human being.   You don’t have the right to just snatch away anyone’s life like that.

And if you see someone who is attempting to drive a car when they’re intoxicated, TAKE THEIR KEYS.    If they won’t surrender them, threaten to call the cops on them.   Tell them why it’s a really BAD idea.    Then, if they STILL won’t give up their keys, call the cops.    I’d rather have a friend in the drunk tank with a DUI that hates me and won’t speak to me, than have a funeral to go to.   Or several.

I’m NOT your girlfriend OR your babysitter

Unless you work there, you’re dating the bartender or have dated the bartender DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!    It’s called personal space!!!!!!    I understand if you work there and I’m in your way.   If you work there, you can physically pick me up & move me somewhere else and I won’t care.    If I’m dating you or we’ve dated in the past, again, it’s fine.   If you know me – or don’t know me – and think it’s ok to a) throw things at me, b) hit me, c) grab me, or d) kiss me (all of which has been done & NOT welcomed), I swear I’m going to break your arm.   I’ve had it!    Let me do my job & keep your paws off!!!!!

Also, I’m not your goddamn babysitter.   Don’t sit at the end of the bar, slurring your words, too drunk to stand (especially bc you probably drank somewhere else, bc I would have cut your drunk ass off) & beg me to take you home & make me feel sorry for you.    I’m not your mother & I’m not your girlfriend.   You are NOT my responsibility.   Don’t get wasted and plan on the bartender taking care of you because you know them.    I’ve had a long night.   The last thing I’m doing is moping up YOUR puke.    It’s irresponsible.   Also, guilting someone into making them take you home is not cool on so many levels.    Being that wasted is not attractive & putting me in a position where you basically say it’s my couch or you driving drunk is NOT ok.    If we’re close friends and I offer it, of course.    You have friends, you have a phone.   You’re capable of making other arrangements.

On the flip side, if I do like you & want to hang out, you should probably ask me what I’m doing when I get done with work.   Note that this is totally different from “I’m wasteddddd can I stay on your couch?”   Also, side note – everyone who has slept on my couch is an absolute peach & I <3 you & this does NOT apply to you guys, because when I say “of course, you’re more than welcome, I mean it.”   Likewise, if I say “no,” I mean “no.”

Anddddd now I’m going to bed.
Hopefully I won’t hate everyone when I wake up )
<3 LC

New Cocktail: Absolut Whiteout

In a pint glass full of ice, mix the following:

Absolut Brooklyn (or Absolut Orient) – 2 count
Pinnacle Whipped Cream Vodka – 2 count
Frangelico – 1 count
Apple Pucker – 1 count
Milk – fill to top; shake, sprinkle top with cinnamon

Caution: may cause you to BLACKout.
<3 LC

What Not to Do @ a Bar

I love you guys.   Really, I do.   And most bartenders love their customers.    You put money in our pockets, you put a smile on our face & you give us something to do!   However, sometimes ya’ll mess up.   We’re all human.   Here’s a list of what not to do in a bar, or to your bartender.   The list has a range – the higher the number, the worse the offense.   Is that even proper English?   I don’t know, but fuck it.   DON’T DO THESE THINGS:

1) Crumple your money in a ball or hand it to us all folded up:   Especially if we’re busy.   This is not a cool thing.   It’s not a clever way of hiding the fact that you tipped $1 on a $30 round either.   This means that we’ve got to spend the extra time to uncrumple or unfold it, flatten it out and then put it in the register.    If you want quicker service, do the bartender (and the rest of the patrons – who are also waiting – around you) a favor and have your money out like a normal person & not balled up.

2) Rip down posters in the bar: They cost a ton of money (the bar’s $, the band’s $, the sponsor’s $), it wastes paper & some poor bastard (most likely the bartender) is going to either replace it or dig the staples out of the wall later.    Save a tree, ok?

3) Help yourself to the garnishes in the fruit tray: It’s not the fucking Golden Corral or an all-you-can-eat salad bar.    I don’t want to see your grubby little fingers in there, k?  If you’d like something, ask for it.

4) Stand directly in front of the taps & ask us what beer we have on tap:   They’re right in front of you, jackass.   Don’t ask me to read them to you.   And don’t ask me to read the chalkboard list to you or tell you every bottle of liquor we keep behind the bar.   Open your eyes and READ.   If English is your primary language & you can’t read the taps or the board when you’re directly in front of them, one of 3 things is true: a) you need glasses, b) you’re too drunk & should probably be cut off or c) you’re lazy and or didn’t pass first grade.

5) Ignore your bartender:   If we ask you what you’d like, it’s rude to stare off into space or stare at us like we just started speaking in tongues.   If you need a minute, please say so.    But please reply when you’re spoken to.   It’s just rude otherwise.   We’re trying to serve you & do our job.   It’s not like we’re asking for your social security number or for you to recite a Robert Frost poem in Latin.  Likewise, if we take your order & make it, don’t stand with your back facing us while you chat with your friends.   Either leave your money on the bar so you can pay us and not hold us up from serving the other 20 people who are waiting, or face forward until the transaction is complete.

6) Ask for free drinks, or expect them:   If it’s your birthday, if you’re VIP, if you’re a regular, if you’re friends with the owner, if you’re friends with the bartender, if you’re not friends with the bartender but promise to leave a “big tip if she hooks it up with a free drink…”
a)  If you’re friends with the owner, you should want their business to succeed and should want to spend money in their establishment.    No one is entitled to anything.
b) If you’re really good looking – you may think you’re hot shit, and all the guys/girls at my bar want you, but in my eyes you’re exactly the same as Quasimodo who’s sittin’ right next to ya.   I’m not going to give you a free drink because you’re batting your eyes at me and you’re hot.
c) …even if you’re a good tipper.    I like my job.   Giving away “free drinks,” equals STEALING from the bar.    I don’t own the liquor or the beer.  I’m not going to steal & risk losing my job for you, no matter who you are.
d) If you’re my friend and you expect free drinks when you come to visit me, you should rethink our friendship.   Plus you’re putting me in an awkward position.   I don’t ask for you to steal stuff for me at your job.   Why are you asking me to do the same?   “But no one will know!”   I’ve got cameras on me, plus 30+ people at the bar watching me.    And personally, I have enough trouble sleeping without the threat of losing my job hanging over my head.    Like Mark Twain said:  “always tell the truth; then you never have to remember anything.”
e) Birthdays: At some bars, including mine, it’s policy to give out a free shot to people on their birthday.    That doesn’t mean you act entitled to it.   Mention it’s your bday casually.    If the bartender’s nice and their boss has given them the go-ahead, be happy when they give you a shot or free drink.   Say thank you.   But also know that some owners do not believe in that policy and would fire a bartender for doing so.   So understand if you don’t get one as well & don’t act like a brat.

7) Disrespect the bar: Don’t smash the toilet, punch holes in the walls, write stupid things in sharpie everywhere or piss on the wall.   A lot of people work in a bar.   This is their second home.   I don’t come to your living room, put my fist through your wall, stick gum under your coffee table & write “LC wuz here 3/1/11 LOLZ!!!111!!”  in your bathroom.   You’re hanging out there.   Why do you want to make it a shithole?   In addition, every time something is damaged, someone has to pay for it.   Usually the owners of the bar.   And guess what?  If they’ve got a ton of bills due to damage, liquor and beer prices go up to cover it.    And also, if you fuck up one of the toilets and the bar’s a frequent hangout of yours, guess who’s going to be waiting in line at some point 5 minutes longer because ::ahem:: “some asshole fucked up one of the toilets!”   Karma’s a bitch.   Also, if you puke somewhere, make a mess or draw on the walls, know that the cleaning lady will be cleaning up YOUR mess.   Usually she’s a sweetheart of a woman in her forties with a couple of kids and a bad back.
PS – side note here but I totally LOVE the above piece of graffiti.   It’s so fucking clever.   I hate Samuel Beckett & I love this.   What I hate is bad artwork, stupid tags of “so and so were here hahahaha date here,” and sayings that are meant to be clever but are written by morons who can’t even spell, let alone think.    I see things like “size dose mater!!!!”  written on the wall and seriously wonder how the individual who wrote it can walk without tripping over their own fatuity.

8 ) Not have your drink order ready when we get to you:   Especially if the bartender’s busy, this will piss us off a LOT.    If you’ve been waiting a few minutes and staring us down, know what you want & be able to tell us your drink order.   Don’t stand there, staring us down, only so we can walk up to you, ask for your order & have you reply “wait,” after which you turn around & ask “hey, Mike what do you want, because I don’t know what I want?   Wanna get a pitcher?  Of what?     Magic Hat?  Well…”   This will cause us to ignore you, go to someone else & make you wait 5 minutes MORE (we’re hoping that by the time we get back to you, you know what you want).  While you’re standing at the bar waiting, figure out what you want.   If you’re ordering for your friends, figure out what they want as well.  THEN try and get our attention.   And for God’s sake – don’t wave your arms like an air-traffic-controller-meets-Hermione-Granger-type if you have no idea what you want.   It’s the equivalent of getting onstage with a microphone, doing four sound checks, telling everyone to quiet down and pay attention– and then staring blankly at the audience and saying “uh….. I got nothin’.”

9) Touch or grab your bartender or cocktail waitress:  It’s one of the rudest things you can possibly do.   Plus it’s creepy.   Don’t be surprised if you get kicked out of the bar or sworn at.   You don’t walk up to strangers and grab them on the street.  Not cool.   Don’t do it.

10)  Walk Behind the Bar:  I don’t want to see so much as your pinky toe cross that line.   I don’t care if you know the bartender or who the hell you know.   The only people allowed behind a bar are: bartenders, barbacks, owners & sometimes security, if they have a good reason for being back there.   This is one of those things that very well might get you kicked out of a bar.   Me seeing someone walk behind the bar I’m working at is like you seeing a stranger sitting in your car, playing with the steering wheel.   Exactly.   Wtf are they doing there?

11) Start a fight:  Very, very bad idea.   One, our bouncers have enough shit to deal with; checking IDs sweeping up broken glass, making sure people don’t sneak alcohol into or out of the bar, etc.    If you start a fight, chances are that you’re gonna wind up in the back of a cop car.   I don’t know about you, but I can’t recall thinking the last time I went out drinking  “man, I’m planning on going out drinking & hopefully, if all goes well, I’ll wind up in jail at the end of the night with sweet assault charges to boot!”   No one wants that.   Your bartender doesn’t want that.   Your bouncers don’t want that.   You and your friends don’t want that.   And let’s be honest here, not even the cops want that.   So go out, have fun & don’t start shit.    If shit goes down, please back away & remember why you’re out in the first place: to have a good time.   Don’t get involved in fights.    Wanna play hero?   Do it this way – when a fight’s going down, get your friends (especially female friends wearing heels) against a wall/as far away as possible.    You don’t want them getting knocked into by accident or have them get a bottle or a punch thrown at them by mistake.

12) Mouth off to your bartender:   I will have security escort you out.   Do not swear at me, do not make fun of me, do not belittle me, threaten me or harass me.    I’m working.   I don’t come to your cubicle and act like an asshole.   I’m trying to do my job & make a buck, just like everyone else.   Just because I’m behind a bar doesn’t mean you can say/do whatever you want.   Harassment is harassment & will be dealt with accordingly.   Also, according to the level of harassment, know that a) you may be escorted out by security b) you may be escorted out by the police c) you may be permanently banned from the establishment.      As well, you should know that the service industry is quite closely knit.   Chances are that your bartender is friends with other bartenders, bouncers and club owners.   Piss one of us off enough & you may just find yourself banned from every joint in town.    Be careful.   I’ve seen it happen before.   Don’t be an asshole to your bartenders, bouncers or waitstaff.    This includes barbacks.   I once had someone escorted out because they were swearing at my barback.    Don’t disrespect the staff.

What TO DO @ a bar:
BE NICE. Tip well ($1/drink).   We all want to have a good night, share some laughs, see a good band.   No one wants drama.   My ideal night is this:  every customer in the bar has fun, everyone likes their drink, no one fights with anyone, the one chick that was crying in the bathroom because her bf dumped her now has a smile on her face and is bopping her head to the music, people are meeting each other and making friends, the bar’s making money, I can pay my bills & after everyone leaves, all they can think about is “when can I come back and do this again?  That was awesome!”    <— That’s the killer part about my job.   I’ve had those nights.

xoxo
<3 LC

Hot Cocoa Cocktails

It’s late February.  The snowbanks are piling up & I’m excited about snowboarding.   Well, that & curling up in front of my fireplace.   Brrrrr!   It’s chilly as fuck around here!  And what better way to warm up than with a nice, toasty hot chocolate?  Spiked, of course   This winter I got to play around with hot cider (see previous post)  and it got me thinking about other yummy winter cocktails… namely hot chocolate.   I went all Dexter’s lab on the bar with hotpot in hand, a canister of powdered hot cocoa & a canister of whipped cream.   After several whip-its, billows of powdered hot cocoa everywhere, a melted hot pot (I burnt through it and melted a bar mat!!) and many satisfied customers, here are my results!

Here are the liquors I experimented with:

Dr. McGillicuddy’s
Butterscotch Schnapps
Malibu
Kahlua
Vanilla Vodka
Granny (Grand Marnier)
Franny (Frangelico)
Creme de Cocoa
Razzmatazz
Bailey’s
Amaretto

The Verdict:

#1 – The Mogul:  Dr. McGillicuddy’s + Hot Cocoa
This cocktail is far and away the winner.   Garnish with whipped cream & a candy cane.   Perfect for winter!   If you want even more of a kick to it, I recommend making it with Rumple Minze instead!

#2 -The Hot Blonde: Butterscotch schnapps, Bailey’s, a dash of vanilla vodka + Hot Cocoa
Yummmmmm!    Perfect for after the slopes!   Garnish with whipped cream.   Extra cool if you have white hot chocolate.

#3 – The Hot Almond Joy:  Malibu, Franny + Hot Cocoa
Sometimes you feel like a nut… It tastes just like the candy!   However, it is rather sweet – I’d only be able to drink one of these, myself.   Garnish with whipped cream & coconut shavings if you’ve got em.

#4 – The Mounds Bar: Malibu, Vanilla vodka + Hot Cocoa
…sometimes ya don’t.   Again, yummy, but for those of you with a sweet tooth!   Garnish with whipped cream & drizzle chocolate or dark creme de cocoa over the whipped cream.

#5 – The Chocolate Covered Raspberry:  Razzmatazz, Creme de Cocoa + Hot Cocoa
Surprisingly good!    It tastes like those chocolate covered jelly rings you get at candy stores:

Notes:  Kahlua didn’t stand out as a strong contender; it just highlighted the chocolate a little.    While Franny was a great addition, Granny didn’t quite make the cut.   It just didn’t do it for me.    Amaretto faired well, but Franny wasn’t as sweet & the cocoa’s sweet to begin with.   Ah…. back to the drawing board next year.   For now, stick with my top 5

xoxo
<3 LC

The Fruit Tray is Not a Salad Bar

The fruit tray on a bar is not a salad bar.
Do not stick your fingers in it.
Do not help yourself.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
End of story.

NB:   Picture of salad bar chosen because the dude with it looks totally thrilled about it.    The jackass who took that photo is probably the kind of guy who steals fruit from the bar tray.

Also, on a side note – the place I work at has great fruit – always fresh & pretty yummy.   We’re pretty damn picky about it – & that’s a good thing!   We also empty & clean out our fruit trays every single night.   However…. at other places I’ve worked at, that has not been the case.    I’ve cleaned many a fruit tray in my day… & met many a lazy bartender who won’t touch em.   In fact, I know bartenders who will not touch bar fruit and ask for no fruit in their drinks when they go out – because they’ve been totally grossed out by bar fruit.   So… buyer beware!   Except wherever I work, because I’m an asshole & like everything clean & shiny

xoxo
<3 LC

Can I Have a Grey Goose & Vodka?

I’ve been asked a number of ridiculous things behind the bar.     Sober people, drunk people, stupid people and even very intelligent people ask the preposterous.    The following are some of my favorites:

#1 – “Can I have  a Grey Goose and vodka?”    So you want me to take Grey Goose, well vodka (think Zemkoff or Crystal Palace) and pour them into a cup with no ice for you?   Grey Goose = vodka.

#2 -  Customer:  “Do you guys serve liquor here?”
Me: “I’m not sure, let me check.   Hey Sam, do we serve liquor here?”
Sam: “Liquor?   Nope!”
Me: “Sorry dude.”
Customer:  (points to showcase) “Well, what are all of those bottles back there?”
Me:  “Oh, that’s the stuff we DON’T have.   They’re all full of tinted water so people are aware of what we DON’T have.”
Customer: “Well, do you have any beer?”
Me: “Nope!   Just sold our last one!”
Customer:  “Man, this bar SUCKS!   Why does anyone come here?!”
Me:  “It’s the water.   We serve the BEST fucking water in town & don’t let anyone tell you any different.”
Customer: ::stares at me::
Me:  “Seriously?   You’re in a BAR.   Of course we serve beer and liquor.   What do you want?”
Customer:  “Oh well, how was I supposed to know, I’m from Colorado?”
Me:  “Well, that explains everything!   What would you like?”
Customer: “Captain & coke?”
The moral of this story is the following:  apparently the bartenders in Colorado like to fuck with people.   A lot.   I kinda dig it.

#3:  Customer 1:  “Can I get three shots of purplemens?”
Me:  “I can’t hear you.   What?”
Customer:  “Purplemens, you know!”
Me:  “I still can’t hear you.   Spell it?”
Customer:  “P-u-r-p…. you know, the minty stuff!”
Me:  “Do you mean Rumplemintz?”   (holds up bottle)
Customer:  “No, what’s that?”
Me:  ::pours three shots::
Customer:  ::all three of them look at their shots like I just poured them arsenic, smell it & stare at it::
Me:  “I promise, it won’t kill ya.   At least one won’t”
Customers:   ::take shots::  “Yeah, purplemens!”
Me:  ::wants to bang head on bar::

#4:  Can I have a beer?
WHAT FUCKING KIND?!!!   That’s like going into a restaurant and asking “Can I have some food?”

#5: “Can I have a malibu and half?”
Me:  “Come again?”
“A malibu and HALF.   It’s a drink, she’s been drinking em all night.”
“There’s a girl here drinking Malibu & diet?   Is that what you mean?”
“Oh.  yeah.”

#6: “Can I have one jollyrancher shot with a water chaser?”
Can I have a water to chase my capri sun?   That shit’ll fuck you up!   It’s crazy man.

#7:  “Can I have your number?”

“Hate people. Love Scotch.”

I would just like to say, in the immortal words of my friend, Mike Tash:  “Hate people.   Love Scotch.”

Actually, let’s revise this:  “Hate boys.   Love Bourbon.”
Bubblebath now at 6am… hopefully I’m in a better mood tomorrow.

Let’s get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

Let’s get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you’re going
Places that I haven’t been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah

Yeah
Yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down

Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you’re alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now, sleeps not coming easy for a while, child

Child, yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down
Down, down
Down, down

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down
Look at what you’ve found, I’m falling down
Look at what you’ve found, I’m falling down
-Down, Something Corporate

Hot Mulled Apple Cider Cocktails

I <3 fall.   I love the colors, the smells, the tastes & the drinks!    Today I played around with some hot mulled apple cider.   I took a gallon of the good stuff (actual cider) and added a gallon of cheap apple juice, threw in some cinnamon sticks & cloves and let it simmer in the hot pot.   It made the bar smell amazing!!!   Then came the experimentation:   adding liquor to the cider.   I took 10 rocks glasses and added about a half to a quarter of a shot of booze to each and then filled the rocks glass about halfway up with hot mulled cider.    I tried them, another local bartender tried em and even some customers took a sip or two.    Here are the verdicts:

#1:  t the top of the pack, we’ve got good ol’ buttershots.   Yup, butterscotch schnapps + apple cider is by far the winner in this contest!   Smooth, not too sweet & just plain delightful!   Plus, it’s cheap!

#2: Orange Vodka.    Tastes like Christmas.   Kind of wonderful, also cheap if you use a well orange vodka.   For this experiment, I used Roxx Orange Vodka.

#3:  Jim Beam Red Stag:  Fantastic!   It felt warm & cozy, like I was sitting in front of a fireplace, slopeside.   The bourbon and the black cherry combination work surprisingly well with the cider.

#4:   Razzmatazz:  Like raspberry apple juice.   Sweet, really easy to drink quickly & also cheap to make!

#5:  Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka:   The tea flavor isn’t dominant, but it lends some really cool sweet, almost vanilla notes to the cider.

#6:  Pear Vodka:   Pretty damn good!   A great blending of fall flavors.   I used Absolut Pears.

#7: Captain Morgan:   If you want some extra spice and some oomph and grit in your cider, this one’s for you.

#8: Malibu:  Honestly, I was kind of disappointed.   I love working with Malibu, but Malibu & cider just didn’t make the cut for me.

#9:  Vanilla Vodka:    Seemed like a great idea in theory.   Not recommended.

Next up to try:  Tuaca & Goldschlager.

Alas, my computer is dying & it’s time for bed.
<3 GC

Bartending Advice

Woohoo!   People actually read this thing!   Just got the following email:

“Dear GC,

I stumbled across your blog, through a link on The Tavern Wench.  I just got a job as a waitress and bartender at this new restaurant in Chicago.    I’m nervous because I’ve never been a bartender, but when I was in college I was usually the one who made all the mixed drinks and jungle juice for parties.   I’ve waited tables for 3 years, so that won’t be anything new.  They said they’re going to train me, but I don’t wanna screw it up!   I need the money to start paying back my college loans.    Any advice on bartending?”

-LF

Dear Chicago Chick,

First off, congratulations on the new gig!!!   Quite honestly, depending on the restaurant, you might wind up making more money on the floor waiting tables.   The good news is, you’ve got people who are willing to train you behind the bar.    The thing is to work your way up the ladder.   If you’re good at what you do, you can make wayyyy more money bartending than waiting tables, even with half the customers.   I’ve got a tonnnnn of advice for you, but I’ll keep it to 7 tips this week, and post some others later on in my blog for you.

#1 – Pay attention to who is training you & what they have to say. Even if they’re a complete dipshit, chances are they know how to work the register, where the bev naps (cocktail napkins) are and how the bar fruit is cut.    These are things you need to know, along with a ton of other things regarding how to set up (and break down) your particular bar.   Plus, chances are they’ll either be your boss or your co-worker and no one likes a smart-ass, know-it-all trainee.    Pay attention, say please & thank you and don’t expect to get tipped out during your training shifts.    That’s what shift pay is for, and chances are that you’re training on their shift, which they depend on to pay their bills.    This shift is not *your* shift and or about you, it’s their money-making time that you are encroaching on.   Know that off the bat.

#2 – Buy this book: The Bartender’s Black Book.   It’s the best bartending book there is, imho.   It has saved my ass and my friends’ asses many a time.   How so?   The book is organized alphabetically by drink name.    A customer comes to the bar & asks for 5 shots of “cocaine lady,”  they don’t know what’s in it, you don’t know what’s in it.    Most times, if you can’t make a drink, the customer will settle for something else, but occasionally you’ll get people who want a particular drink and will leave if they don’t get it.   If you’ve got the black book, you look it up, make it and make the customer happy.    Plus, it can be a great way to break the ice with a customer.   Afterward, you can ask them what it tastes like, if they like it and tell them “cool, I learned something new today, thanks.”    Customers love it when they can teach the bartender something new (even if all they knew was the name and you looked it up!).   Plus, it’s got note space in the back and you can write your own drink recipes or recipes that you like from other bartenders in the margins.   Make sure you read the forward/intro.   They’ve got some good tips in there.   When you get this book, look up and write the following numbers in the back of it: Number of the local police station, Number of 2 local taxicab services & depending on the bar, tv channel numbers for: espn, cnbc, weather channel, cnn & the local news channel.

#3 -Memorize drinks. If your restaurant has a cocktail list, memorize the ingredients and know how to make them.   Also, know how to make the following:  Long Island Iced Tea, Margarita, Martini (make sure you ask the following:  gin or vodka, up or on the rocks?), Manhattan… those are good ones to start with.  (NB:   The image above is Applebee’s version – you will typically be using tequila as well.   Also, normally people use well liquors for this drink because there’s a lot of booze, which = lots of $$$  – or you could just as well use Grey Goose, Bombay Sapphire, Captain Morgan, Sauza Hornitos, Triple Sec, sour and coke.)

#4 – Once you settle in & get comfortable with the bar, learn how to Plant Your Feet. Time is money.   I’ll talk about that later.   You want to be good & you want to be fast.   Learn how to plant your feet.   What does that mean?   Think about how you make a sapphire and tonic.   Is the gin behind you?   How many steps do you take to make that cocktail.   Multiply that by how many cocktails you make in a night.   Chances are that you are taking too many steps.   Plant your feet.   See how far you can comfortably reach (obviously without straining).   Instead of turning all the way around, turn halfway and reach.   Take one slightly bigger step rather than 3 small steps.   Plant your feet and try to be efficient.   Energy is time and money.   Conserve your energy and concentrate your movement.   Put the lime on the glass with one hand and at the same time, be using your other hand to place the straw in the drink.   Don’t take hundreds of small steps.   Think when you step.

#5 – KEEP MAKING DRINKS.   This one sounds obvious, but it’s probably the most important rule I have & it took me about 2 years to really understand and 3 years to learn.   Disaster WILL strike, and it will almost only strike if you are 4 deep (that means the bar is full and there are 3 people standing behind each 1 person sitting in a stool).    One night I’ll never forget.   It was about a year ago, on a Wednesday night, about 6pm.   I was four deep, in the middle of a booming happy hour, handling the bar by myself, without a barback.   A well-meaning customer puts her martini glass on the bar mat so it would be easier for me to reach, and it falls off the bar into the right  ice well and breaks.   I put two bar rags over the right ice well, covering it, to clearly remind myself that I wasn’t to use that well (see **** at bottom of this post) and used the left ice well on the opposite end of the bar.   I kept bartending, kept making drinks, kept putting money in the register (and my tip jar!) and kept my customers happy.   Uh oh, no barback and I’m running low on glassware!   I didn’t have time to wash them and make drinks at the same time and no plastic cups were available because it was fine dining.   Happy hour is two for one, most customers are ordering the same things twice.  Head up, pay close attention:   when one customer who is drinking beer orders another beer of the same kind, reuse that glass and hand it right back to the same customer.     Same with wine glasses.    However, note: this is only to be done when a) it’s on a one-by-one basis (you can’t be sure with group orders, so don’t try), b) they are drinking the exact same thing and it is going back to the exact same person, c) the product in the glass is under $7  d) you are totally fucked and in the weeds.   Disaster number 3 strikes just as I’ve got the glassware under control – we run out of CO2 on the soda gun.    No backup tanks downstairs.   This means, no club soda, no pepsi, diet pepsi, gingerale, or tonic water.   Sour mix, cranberry and water still work.   My choice was: ignore customers for 10 minutes, while I explain to a member of waitstaff or management what happened, have them go to neighboring restaurant and try to borrow a tank… or keep making drinks.     I kept making drinks.   I explained to customers “I’m really sorry, we’ve run out of carbonation, what else can I get you?”    It was happy hour, the drinks were cheap, the bar was full, and my bar was the “it” place to be.    Not ONE person left the bar because we ran out of carbonation.    It’s a bar, it’s not the “jack and coke bar where all we serve is jack and coke.”   There are ALWAYS other choices.    There are also other things you can suggest instead.   A customer was drinking Malibu and coke, I asked if she’d like to try a Malibu and cranberry  instead.   She took a leap of faith and was as happy as a clam.    Did it mean I had to apologize profusely, smile like the Cheshire Cat and run around a little more?  Yes.   But I was already running around to begin with.   For the most part, your customers won’t be monsters.   When they see you runnin’ and know that you’re trying to take care of everyone asap, they’ll cut you some slack.   The important thing is that you keep your cool, be nice and keep making drinks.    The rest can wait until later.   There are always tons of other choices.     I can say that from my experience, the bartenders who choose to not serve drinks and a) get pissed off/yell at management/yell at customers  b) ignore customers to do something else  c) choose not to “go with the flow,”  are making the wrong choice.    Flipping out/getting exasperated does not make you money.   Don’t try to control what you can’t.   Go with it and keep making drinks.  Nothing is the end of the world.  Except the ice bin.

#6 – Be Nice. Let’s be honest, no one likes an asshole.   I’m not going to come visit you when you’re bartending because you treat me like a leper.   Don’t come to work in your grumpypants, don’t act like I’m disturbing you by being there and buying drinks, and don’t cop an attitude.   I don’t expect you to smile all of the time and act like Mary fucking Poppins 24/7 – mainly because it’s creepy and if I want that I’ll go to a corporate restaurant where the employees are rated on the “flair” paraphernalia pinned to their 1980′s vests (poor schmucks) – but don’t be a downer.   Be nice.    Especially when you work in a restaurant.  Most people are there because they want to enjoy themselves and have a good time, and 99% of them are *not* trying to start shit with you.    Like the movie Roadhouse, be nice, even when someone is wrong.   Even when they’re a douchebag.    Be firm, be polite, don’t give in to crazy demands for more booze in their drink (unless that’s policy), but be nice.  In a bar, there are usually two different kinds of assholes.   The harmless assholes and the assholes who might jump over the bar/damage shit/cause a fight.    The harmless assholes are usually the talkers;  they’ll make off-color jokes, give you shit for no reason, accuse you of not liking them, verbally sexually harass you and act like a drunk asshole when in reality they’re not drunk, just an asshole.   With those guys: be nice.   When they start getting to you, be busy.   There are TONS of things to do in a bar/restaurant.   You can get ice, you can fold and refold towels & napkins, cut fruit, fill salt shakers….   get them a drink, go to the opposite end of the bar and do shit.   It doesn’t matter what, just do something and become hard of hearing.   If management gives you shit, say you served them and were at the opposite end of the bar cleaning and didn’t hear them.   Management will never yell at you for cleaning.     If a customer is arguing with you, is wrong, has asked for something that is against the rules of your establishment, a manager is not able to handle it for you, and the customer WILL NOT shut up and continues to bitch loudly, use my go-t0 “asshole speech.”   It goes like this:   “I’m sorry, this conversation is OVER.   You have a choice.   You can either pay $5 for another shot to make your drink stronger, or you can enjoy your drink the way it is.”     As for the other kind of asshole, get them out of the bar as quickly and as painlessly as possible.   If you have security, let them handle it.    Remain calm.   If it looks like it might get out of hand, politely ask that they leave or inform them that you will call the cops.   If it gets out of hand, remain calm & call the cops.   The number should be in the back of your bartender’s black book in your “notes” section.

#7 – Get to know your regulars & introduce people.    Let’s not kid ourselves.   Most of the people sitting in those stools are here to meet other people – someone to go home with, someone to talk to, someone to network with.   If they didn’t want to meet anyone, they’d drink at home.   Use this simple knowledge to your advantage.     Introduce some of your regulars to each other, with a simple “Hey, have you met Lindsey?”   Or if you don’t know their name, and two people were talking to you about the same subject, say “hey, that’s really funny, we were just talking about hurricane Katrina too,” or whatever you were talking about.   You’d be shocked at how many people are willing to go to a bar and how many are willing to actually initiate conversation with a stranger.    Once in a while, and choose your moments wisely, be the icebreaker.    OK, so how does this benefit you?   a) that guy who won’t shut up?  You don’t have to listen to him because now he has someone else to talk to.   b) Once you start introducing your regulars to each other, they start making friends within your bar crowd.   They hang out outside of the bar.   The day when Mike calls all of his usual buddies and no one wants to meet him out for a drink?   He’s going to come to your bar anyway because he knows that he has a 90% chance of finding someone he knows there that he can strike up a conversation with.   Plus, if you know your regulars, Mike knows you and feels comfortable “hangin’ out with the bartender.”     I can honestly say I’ve met many of my close friends through bartending – in fact, one of them is one of my four closest friends.    Not only that, but I introduced her to someone, while I was working, that she later wound up dating!   (She’s still single – I’m a bartender, not a matchmaker – but you get my drift).

Anyway, that should get you started.   I’ll post some more next week.   Go slowly, pay attention & try not to stress!

Good luck!!!
<3 GC

********The ice bin/ice well  can or cannot be the end of the world, based on one factor: if you have one or more than one.   If you have more than one, quickest fix is to cover the contaminated well with bar rags so it is fully covered on top (i.e. you go to fill up a glass on instinct and you’ll instantly be reminded to go to the other well) and use the other ice well until it slows down enough so you can clean out the other well.  If glass falls in the ice well, there is no “scoop out the glass that we see and hope nothing else is in there.”   The ice must be melted and the well drained completely and scrubbed out before it can be used again.    You do not need to be the cause of someone’s death because they swallowed a shard of glass at your bar.    Take the time, explain to customers it’s a serious, dangerous hazard and that you’re thinking of their safety.   They’ll get it.     Easiest and quickest way I’ve found to clean the ice bin is as follows:   run hot as hell water continuously into your third sanatizing sink.    Take a pitcher or biggest container you’ve got and scoop the water from this well and throw it into the ice well to melt the ice.    Then, once it’s drained, make sure all the glass is gone, wipe it down with some bleach and water.   Then rinse it with some more clean water and fill with ice.   If you don’t have time for that, go get a bucket of ice, keep the ice in the bucket and use the bucket as your ice well until things calm down and you can clean it.