Brad Pitt + George Clooney = ?
It looks like a good idea. It sounds like a good idea. But no.
It should have been titled Burn After Filming. It was awful. Nothing happened. Watching grass grow would have been more eventful. I literally walked out of the theatre into a mall that had just shut down at 6pm. I had intended to shop, but upon finding everything closed, rather than go back inside the theatre and continue watching nothing happen on the screen or take a nap, I chose to sit alone in the food court and people-watch 15 year olds wheel their babies around in strollers. Watching this movie made me want to rip my hair out. It was less than an hour and a half that I sat there, but I want those hours of my life back.
Coen brothers – wtf?! Seriously!
And John Malkovich?! He scares the crap out of me. I’d rather be chased around my house by an axe-weilding Christopher Walken than see a 5 x 5 version of John Malkovich’s face. (On a side note, it appears from the picture above that when he’s not focusing on being a creeper, he enjoys shopping for his clothing at furniture warehouse.
Who knew?)
As for Tilda Swinton… Every time I saw her on camera I got the sensation that I was in third grade in the principal’s office. In a catholic school. Framed for a crime I did not commit. She’s a walking, talking cryptkeeper who nags the shit out of you and has mastered the condescending stare. AKA the in-law everyone has nightmares of. She and Malkovich make me cringe in general. At various points throughout the movie they look they’re sucking on a sour warhead or trying to fight constipation. That and I just wanted to walk up to the screen and offer her a burger. Maybe she’d be nicer if someone fed her. Or maybe she’d just snap my hand off at the wrist.
And Brad Pitt, who could have been the saving grace of this horrid little movie, looked like Vanilla Ice’s fifty year old stunt double in spandex with skunk hair. He plays the dumb jock a little too well.
Save your money. Or, better yet, sit in the front row & critique loudly like Mystery Science Theater 3000. Maybe you’ll save the movie for the rest of the audience. (“Manos, Hands of Fate” has *nothing* on this flick.)
And I get the whole idea that it’s supposed to make you think about how stupid everyone around you really is. Why do you think they invented alcohol? To drown that shit out! Once you really get down to it, there are so many effing idiots out there that if you seriously start to contemplate it, life itself becomes meaningless and depressing. As Mark Twain said, “Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, & those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink.” Why highlight something so depressing? And guess what? At the end of the day I was still bored senseless. It wasn’t “brilliant,” it was rubbish. Half the people who reviewed this flick are saying it was “brilliant,” because they still don’t “get it,” and are trying to find meaning in this film that isn’t actually there! Keep looking, my friend. And while you’re at it, I’ll raid your liquor cabinet. I’d rather get a root canal than subject myself to this film again. Unless we’re MST3000-ing it, because in that case, I’m totally game. I’d have a fucking field day. Good lord. What crap will they dream up next?
On a side note, I just rented Made of Honor. It was very cute. Not “artsy,” and terribly “thought-provoking,” but it made me laugh and in my book, that deserves some credit. Plus I got to stare at Patrick Dempsey for two hours 
I like that cute face he makes when he smirks.
xoxo
<3 GC
