So I just got an email from my mom, telling me that a relative sent her an email to join facebook. Thanks. I’ve been telling her to stay the hell away from facebook and myspace for 10 years and you’ve just destroyed all the years of warnings (old people will develop carpel tunnel, become obsessed with the internet, contract AIDS and die) with a solitary email.
Now, not to be racist, but whether you’re cool with your family being on facebook or not has a lot to do with where your family is from. For instance, one side of my family is Norwegian. They say a lot of things like ‘yah das good,’ and enjoy cooking delicious meatballs. They don’t call very often and are spread out as far as Norway. In the random case of a family get-together, since they have a limited time with one another, they focus on the good things their kids are up to. They are the kind of people that would be harmless on facebook.
Now, my other side of the family is Sicilian and Irish. There’s nothing a Sicilian family enjoys more this time of year than a) nagging their offspring b) baking delicious holiday treats and c) gossiping about other family members. The plus side of visiting this side of the family during the holidays is that there’s always a plethora of alcohol readily available. Plus they usually have cute babies to hold and play peek-a-boo with. Don’t get me wrong, they’re an awesome bunch and I love them to bits. And when you need 300 people doing the electric slide in perfect unison at your wedding, you know who to call to get the hook up if ya know what I’m sayin’.
But back to my point: Facebook for parents is bad. Facebook for mothers is bad. Facebook for Italian mothers is worse.
So you’re on facebook, it’s 2am on a Saturday night. You’re slightly intoxicated (and by slightly I mean very), you just got home and you decide to check your myspace and FB. You write something clever in the status update box with five exclamation points, 2 misspelled words and no syntax. Slowly, a little white box pops up on the bottom right hand corner of your screen.
Your Mom: Hello
You: Hi ma (uh oh)
Your Mom: What are you doing up so late?
You: Uhhhhhhhh I couldnnny get to sleep?
You: What r U doing up so laate?
Your Mom: Oh I got up early to watch my crocus start blooming and to take YOUR dog out for a walk. What happened to your spelling?
You: …
Your Mom: Are you drunk? I bet you just got home didn’t you?
You: Ma… no. I’m not drunk. (at this point you’ve whipped out your spellcheck and are typing as quickly as possible in MS word using copy and paste in a desperate effort to appear sober. Yeah. It took you 3 minutes to write that.)
Your Mom: I think you are. Why are you staying up so late?
Your Mom: Up till 2 am on a saturday night! Unbelievable!
You: Actually, 2 isn’t bad. The bars close at 4. (fuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk! Why did I say that?! She’s going to ask me how I know that!!!)
Your Mom: And how do you know that?
You: … some1 told me?
Your Mom: You know your cousin Jessica in Florida would NEVER stay out til 4 am! She walked to med school every day – she had to swim from Sanibel island to the mainland. Once she got attacked by a shark, but she endured. Because she’s a hard worker! She worked at Taco Bell 60 hours a week to pay her college loans and now she’s an orthopedic surgeon in Miami.
You: But ma, she’s boring.
Your Mom: You should see the Italian marble countertops in her new mansion. To die for. Right on the water. And don’t get me started on the bathrooms in that house – jacuzzi tubs, stained glass windows… You’re spoiled.
You: Um… what? I think you’re right. It is getting late.
Your Mom: I put you through school for 16 years and what do you do? You stay up til 4 am on a Saturday night and get drunk. Your cousin Jeff isn’t drunk right now. His facebook message says he’s fighting in Iraq. Why can’t you do anything worthwhile with your free time?
You: I’m getting really tired now.
Your Mom: Your facebook page says that you were “partying dt” yesterday at 9:23pm too! What does “dt” mean? And why where you out partying two nights in a row? Out Friday AND Saturday – you’re going to become an alcoholic if you keep this up! When are you going to do something with your life?
Your Mom: And two of your cousins just had babies. When are you going to settle down? Plenty of men are interested in you but you just dismiss them. You need to lower your standards and stop being so picky.
You: My standards include: must have: brain, place to live, method of transport (other than bike), toothbrush and pulse. I refuse 2 lower those standards. It’s been nice chatting…
Your Mom: Don’t you close that IM box now! I am not done talking to you. I fell for that “lost my internet connection thing” 3 times now but I was talking to Aunt Bonnie and she says that’s what your cousin Brian does when he doesn’t want to talk to her anymore.
You: … (by now you’ve given up and are playing solitare on another screen)
Your Mom: And when are you going to get a real job? (translation = when are you going to get in some glamorous or highly paid line of work that will make my friends jealous that you’re not their kid?) So, back to men. Have you met anyone?
You: …. (check back on the myspace page, read the above and consider gouging out your eye with a fork)
Your Mom: You know, online dating is very popular nowadays.
You: … (searching your apartment for a fork)
Your Mom: Well, fluffy’s barking so I better take her for a walk. When are you coming to visit your poor old mother?
You: Um, in 2 weeks?
Your Mom: Good. I need you to clear out the garage and your room. We already have 3 guest bedrooms but we’re turning yours into one as well. You won’t need it seeing as you’re out gallavanting til 5 in the morning anyway.
You: Great.
Your Mom: I love you! Now go to bed! It’s late! Call me when you’re in bed so I know you got there okay.
You: ok.
The end
or
Why Older Family Members Should Not Have a Facebook.
