So, I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother, where Barney introduces something known as The Hot / Crazy Scale. Basically, the premise of this is that the hotter a girl is, the more willing guys are to tolerate her craziness.
I propose that there is not only a hot/crazy scale for guys, but a….. drumroll please….
Yes. A Hot / Douchebag Scale. Just like the Hot/Crazy scale, we all know this one’s true. Ladies – how often do you find yourself staying with a guy who acts like a total douche for the sole reason that he could be an Abercrombie model? The hotter a guy is, the more forgiving we are of his douchebaggery. Why? Because having ridiculous eye candy makes other people jealous. FACT. Other people wonder how awesome we must be to be dating him and bitchy girls give us mean looks (you know you love it). The hot guys are used to it for the most part. They know they don’t have to remember our birthday or do their own laundry. They have us wrapped and they know it. Why? Because they’re hot and they know they can get away without doing shit. The hotter a guy is, the less likely he is to try…. anything. Now, guys who aren’t as good looking *have* to either behave nicely or be incredibly good liars. An ugly guy forgets to pick up your dry cleaning and he’s done, while a hot guy can forget your name and still be the object of your affection. Now, the minute a guy starts crossing the red line on our scale, we think about ditching him. What we aim for is the triangle on the left. Anywhere in that area is golden. Now, mostly (barring extreme makeovers /drastic weight loss /total personality dialysis), when we meet them, guys start off with a certain hotness number. Now, unless they’re Sean Connery, Clooney or Joshua Jackson, they’re never going to be that hot ever again. Ladies – the moral of this story is this: If he keeps getting older, and doesn’t get any nicer or starts displaying douchebag tendencies, he’s crossing over into the danger zone and it’s time to upgrade.
To make your decision clearer, I’ve made a helpful list of several douchebag tendencies
Warning Signs:
- he forgets your birthday. 3 years in a row. This one is not a winner, ladies.
- he calls out the name of another chick, while in bed
- he puts a sex tape of the two of you on the internet and then says ‘but babe, I thought you liked Paris Hilton’
- he steals your car
- he steals your money
- he steals your neighbor’s tricycle. the one with the purple streamers.
- he tells you he loves you… & Amanda & Sarah & Brittany…. & Mark
- when he runs out of money he tells you how hot you’d look on a pole
- he picks up other chicks… in front of you & talks about ‘hitting that later’
- he talks about how much money he’d have made if he invented roofies
- he puts his cell phone up girls’ skirts, takes pictures and sends them to his friends
- he does 40 jagerbombs any given night
- he has so much gel in his hair he could grease a slip & slide with it
- he drives a car with a spoiler so big it looks like a giant handle
- he loves himself so much he almost goes home with another dude who looks just like him
- he’s disrespectful to his family
- he’s disrespectful to everyone around him
- he likes to start fights in bars for no reason whatsoever
- he likes to break random shit for no reason
- he’s unemployed and has no inclination / motivation whatsoever to get a job
- he neglects his dog
- he’s the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat
- he has the IQ of a crackbaby who failed kindergarden
- he flunked out of pre-k because he wouldn’t share…. and he learned nothing from it
- when you go out with him, people refer to him not by his name, but as “that douche!”
- he’s programmed in several phones as DB or “do not answer”
- whenever he doesn’t get his way, he cries like a five year old girl who got her hello kitty doll stolen
- whenever you see him, you vomit in your mouth a little
